expanding family

There is nothing like adopting a second child to put your first child's understanding of adoption on the fast track.  Sasha has always been aware of her birth mom and the story of how she joined our family and all of that, but when Alexis was born it was like she really got to see it play out.  She continues to experience open adoption not just with her own birth family but with Alexis'.  We are always having discussions about family in our house, both biological and adoptive family.  There is frequent talk about aunts and uncles who live far away, grandmas and grandpas who come to visit and who we see every week, and a whole lot of other people.  I have always been in touch with my very, very extended family, so I am used to having lots of relatives and calling people cousins who aren't exactly cousins, so forth.  So it isn't all that hard for me to embrace Sasha and Lexi's first families as our family as well.  

One of the most common reasons people say they don't want a relationship with their child's first families is that they claim it will be confusing.  (I'm pretty sure many are using that as an excuse to hide their own fears and insecurities, but that is another post!).   Some adoptive parents actually prefer international adoption so they can kind of pretend that birth families don't exist, or at least they feel relief that they don't have to deal with them in their every day lives.  If you don't have any information or ongoing contact, you can just sort of ignore it, right?  But we know that the reality of a child's first family doesn't go away, whether or not they are an active part of the child's life.  To try to erase it or dimish it only hurts the child.  But that is not to say that it isn't complicated.  Nate and I think and talk on a regular basis about how to integrate our girls' birth families into our lives, what we all call each other, how those relationships play out, etc.  We definitely don't have all the answers and we sort of go day by day. 

There is a catalyst to this post...we got together with Lexi's paternal birth family this weekend.  It has sort of become a tradition to do a visit with them right around Christmas time and I hope it continues.  Watching Lexi's birth family just stare at her in wonder, and comment on how big she has grown, how chubby her little cheeks still are, and how much she looks like her birth father is powerful.  Seeing Sasha run around and play with Lexi's (and therefore, Sasha's) cousins is so cool.  But there is always some explaining to do with Sasha, the girl with a million questions.  It is definitely an ongoing process explaining how our family was built and who we all are to each other.  One of the things I love is that Sasha just accepts it...she doesn't have preconceived notions about who is and isn't qualified to be called family like adults do.  The questions are going to continue too, especially as both girls see that we have different relationships and dynamics with each of their birth families.  They are going to see that what we have with their families, although extremely special with each, is not the same.  And that of course is where more complication comes in.  But I still wouldn't trade it for anything.  Seeing Sasha and Lexi's families fawn all over them and shower them with love is such a gift for all of us.

Comments

[Amber]

Great thoughts, Heidi. I couldn't agree more.

I already see how Josiah's little wheels are turning as we are starting the process again. I love this time of year because he has SO many grandparents who love him and send gifts! Like Sasha, he doesn't care how they are his grandparents, he just knows they are and they love him and that's enough!

So great that you are able to stay connected with Lexi's birth family on both sides. :-)

[Wendy]

It sounds like you had such a wonderful visit, Heidi. I'm so glad for all of you! Merry Christmas!

[Hazel]

I love how you guys have embraced your large family! (Although I must admit that the title of your post made me think that it was an announcement of adopting another child! :)